The never enough trap

 

"I could be perfect and it still wouldn't be good enough"

I had a stark realisation recently. If I keep going the way I am going, I will never be satisfied in life.  

I was sitting in my hotel room last weekend, this beautiful hotel room that I had once dreamt of having and all I could think about was the next thing I had to do. 

Next. More. Do. Better. Achieve. Optimise. Compare.

Continually moving the goal posts, falling into the never enough trap. 

Where did this start? Have I always had an insatiable hunger for more or has it been instilled in me over time? 

Is it bad to have a want to grow? Is it bad to want to improve your life?

My reflections this week made me realise these questions are a bit more complicated than a simple yes or no answer.

"The things that invalidate you when you are younger can be the things that invalidate you for the rest of your life."  
Steven Bartlett

As I sat with myself. Noticing my inner need to keep moving, keep wanting, keep looking, keep comparing.

I realised there were two things that stood out. 

One - Our current systems are built on a culture that rewards action, taking more, being more, doing more.

Two - Little Me had a need to belong and feel safe. 

So as a result I had been on autopilot, thinking if I could achieve more and do more and be more I would feel belonging and in turn have security. 

Our life experiences can become the fuel that drives us. And the environments that we exist within can dictate our internal needs and wants. 

Without even realising it, I had been driving through life with fuel that was damaging me from the inside out. Slowing eroding my engine and internal systems over time. 

It's weird how, for many, it isn't until the car brakes down that we are forced to check the flashing engine light and give time to have a full look under the hood. 

It got me thinking if we created space and environments that valued regular Mental MOTs could that help us realise we could choose some cleaner fuel and over time, establish sustainable systems internally and externally? 

Alot of the time we didn't put the harmful fuel in ourselves. It may have come from unintentional comments, early learning environments, grief, societal norms, bullying, social media, abuse and other things that come up within the human experience. 

There is a broad range here because we can't say exactly what creates the fuel, each person's response to their childhood and environment will be different. 

Although we might not have intentionally poured in the fuel in the first place. We can take ownership of choosing to create conditions that allow the fuel to start flowing again while showing ourselves compassion for things that may have caused the fuel to stagnate in the first place. 

The thing about life is, it keeps moving even when we might feel stuck inside. 

So instead of being able to put the full car in for repair, clean out the stagnant fuel and have a temporary car in the meantime. I suppose, we need to keep driving with that fuel still in the system even if we know it isn't how we want to be fuelling ourselves moving forward. 

Being and Becoming

What happens if you are 

Constantly looking to grow

Does it impact 

Who you are now or what you know?

I've been thinking 

If becoming is always on the mind

Can we have peace

Constantly looking for meaning to find?

Both being and becoming

Help us look beyond as well as in the moment 

I think there is a time and a place

For each of these components

One of the things I am glad of this year, is that I am starting to waken up to my own thoughts. One of the positives of this means I have more awareness of them and get to take accountability. One of the downsides is well... I have more awareness of them and get to take accountability. 

For so long I have been driven by external factors. Believing the narrative that I needed to go at 90miles an hour to get anywhere. 

Now I am learning to take my foot off the accelerator and enjoy the drive. 

What is even more interesting to me is that the less I rev the engine, the further I seem to go. The more I enjoy just being where I am at, the further I seem to be taken. 

Learning to hold space for two opposing things being true at once. 

"Life is what happens while you are too busy making plans" John Lennon

I am beginning to see the light after a pretty dark chapter of my life. Last year the world was a bit of a scary place with a lot of unknowns. When darkness falls upon us, our bodies might go on the defence, constantly looking for danger, even when it's not there anymore. 

As I start to get a bit of distance from it, I am starting to recognise the power that the dark chapters might bring. 

The more I listen to the darkness, it is showing me ways to see more clearly. The more I sit with the things that are stagnant, the more they are showing me how I might move more freely. 

So my wondering at the moment is, how might we look at the process of being and becoming in a bit of a different way? Instead of looking at what we don't have, trying to fill the void. How might we be aware of all the things we do have and move from there? Instead of trying to get rid of the stagnant fuel. How might we learn to see it as inner directions to help us find flow again? 

And on a personal note, instead of being so seriousssss, how might I lighten up to enjoy and appreciate the process of life that is unfolding right before my very eyes. 

Let's see where the world takes us tomorrow 🌎