She hid it with a smile

Why does it take an accident, Before the truth gets through to us?

Tick, Tick Boom

One of the movies I watched on repeat when I turned 30 was Tick Tick Boom. Starting to unknowingly reevaluate my life. 

This movie resonated with something deep inside that was questioning my choices and the choices of the world I was living in. 

I didn't realise it would take an accident or big life event just over a year later for the truth to finally start getting through to me. 

My whole personality was built on knowing exactly what to say at the exact right time in the exact right way. Scared to let people truly in. I thought I was open to others but I was covering tracks even from myself. 

That version of me was drowning in low self worth. Years and years of conditioning. People pleasing. The vocational teacher in me, looking out for everyone else's needs and wants. 

Remaining outwardly regulated resulted in me becoming inwardly fractured. 

Hijacking my own nervous system.

She was the good girl who kept the peace. And she hid it with a smile. 

Over the last year I have been getting to know myself, the real me, behind all the masks I have created. Continuing to pull back all the layers I have surrounded myself with, for protection. 

I was completely dependent on external validation, only feeling good enough when I was being seen. But what they were seeing was a curated stranger that even I didn't know. 

Pushing my own needs and wants to the side because somewhere along my life line I had learnt they didn't matter. 

It's weird how all of a sudden you can end up being a version of yourself you don't know anymore. 

A slow process of saying yes when you know you shouldn't. Agreeing to something you know isn't right because it is a person of power or a person you love. Switching off to your own inner dialogue in service of fitting in and trying to belong. 

Last year I couldn't play life like it is a game of charades anymore. Acting out whatever scene I thought people wanted me to play. 

Just like when you are a child choosing to move on to the next game to play. I thought it would be easy to stop that game and play another one. '5 simple steps' to make the years of deep rooted conditioning and programming disappear haha. Not quite. 

But what I have noticed is that just as the slow process of loosing yourself can happen. The process of finding yourself again is possible too. 

Rewriting my story to actually include myself in it this time. 

I use to think this was selfish but the more I connect with myself, the more I have to give others. Coming from an honest place, forming more honest, resourceful connections. 

Part of me knows this process is such a key part to life, another part of me is navigating where all this lies on the spectrum of self indulgence. 

I suppose the why comes into it here. If we are constantly on edge reactively engaging with life then it can have a big impact on the people in our environment. Emotionally leaking onto others. 

When we are regulated and connected within we can have more emotional autonomy which means we can show up in a more resourceful state with our surroundings. 

When I'm running my old stories and old programming I notice I get nervous, tight jaw, tense shoulders, constantly repeating worse case scenarios in my head that result in me reacting towards life. Maybe saying things to others I wish I didn't. Going into autopilot, leaving me asking a few moments later when I come back online - why did I do that? 

At the beginning I use to get annoyed at myself thinking I know better, why am I not doing better? 

But the brain is a funny wee thing that loves to play tricks on us. 

Our old patterns are what's comfortable. Even though they might be hurting us they are what is familiar. And the brain feeds on familiar. 

So by me judging myself it is actually just my brain playing tricks because it is resistant to change. 

So now when I notice myself on Autopilot I say - "silly brain, you forgot there is another option we can take..." This may be the primary school teacher in me but I tell you what - it is working. 

The less serious I take the process the more open I become to it. 

Moving from a place of understanding allows us to feel more okay with failing and learning. 

The world we live in focuses so much on getting things right, optimising our lives, doing what everyone else is doing. 

What happens if we let our weird little selves out? Get to know the real us instead of who we think we have to be? 

"Everyone fails at who they're supposed to be, Thor. The measure of a person, of a hero, is how well they succeed at being who they are." 

I have used this quote before and I will use it again. It is probably one of my favourite movie scenes. 

The recovering perfectionist in me is learning to have fun with who I am and learning not to feel guilty about it. Learning to accept I may not get things right all of the time. Learning that growing is important and so is just being right here right now. 

Letting the shadows come out to play instead of hiding them away. 

"Get the darkness to dance" Dermot Kennedy

Going back to the initial question of 'why does it take an accident for the truth to get through to us' A friend this week made a good point - does it have to be a big life event that causes us to waken up?

I am interested in how might we learn to reconnect with ourselves and the world around us with and without the rude awakening? 

How might we bring this learning into schools so we can learn about our inner workings from an early age?

Learning to enjoy life, embracing it, dancing with it, getting weird with it.

Let's see where the world takes us tomorrow 🌎