Am I on Track?

✨Am I on track? ✨⬇️

Is it too late?

Am I on time?

Am I missing out?

Am I passed my prime?

The world I have been

A part of so far

Seems to have a weird relationship

With time, chasing, raising this imaginary bar

When I got rid of all of what

I had gathered and bought

It made me realise certain things

Don’t matter as much as I’d thought

If our inner worlds

Are in chaos, running wild

No amount of external consuming

Will heal what’s inside

I’ve been thinking why do

Our insides need healed in the first place?

Could there be changes made

To allow for a different pace?

When left with nothing but myself,

Three boxes and the bags on my back

I was left confronted

Asking, am I on track?

On track to what?

I went on a search to find

I was chasing to move forward,

As well as leave my old world behind

But the more I searched

I realised I was still looking outside

Asking for answers

It turns out only I could provide

Instead of constantly asking

Will it “work out,” needing to know

I am choosing and learning

To ‘go with the flow’

Magical things start to happen

The more I take a minute to pause

Realisations, Revelations giving a

Different perspective on my strengths and my ‘flaws’

Instead of looking at other people’s lives

Feeling the need to compare

I am grateful for this time to find me again

Moving forward with care

This doesn’t mean I expect

To always be chill and not feel

Quiet the opposite, when life has its ups and downs

Learning to accept what is real

Instead of constantly spiralling

Feeling out of control

I can choose to take a step back

Looking at the picture as a whole

__________________________

I took myself to the cinema today. 

When all I wanted to do was cry in bed.

But I took myself to the cinema and cried at the movie instead. 

More socially acceptable.... who knows....🤷‍♀️

I know the old path I was on was not for me but forging this new path really does get on top sometimes. 

Moving country, moving house, starting a new job, setting up a new life, grieving, feeling in between excited about my new opportunities and missing parts of my old path. 

I get that I should just take one step at a time. 

I get what I should do to get out of a funk but sometimes, just sometimes, the funk needs felt. 

"Everyone fails at who they are supposed to be" ✨ 

Endgame

I love this part of Endgame.

I think the pressure of what we should be or the way things should be is one of the biggest self made mental prisons of all. 

Recently I have been comparing my 32 year old life to my peers and what I thought I 'should' have done by now. 

If I look at everything I haven't done yet, it nearly swallows me whole. 

But today after I took my little sad self to the cinema, the movie I went to see, The Wild Robot, came in and shifted my perspective. I love how a 'child's movie' can do that sometimes. 

"Where you want to go is not where you have been"

The Wild Robot

I may not be exactly where I thought I would be but if 20year old Naomi knew the places we have visited. The challenges we have faced and the way we have navigated life so far. 

Then I think she would be pretty proud of the Naomi sitting here writing this post today.

"Kindness is a survival skill"

The Wild Robot

One of the things I have been navigating recently is my internal programming that has led to people pleasing tendencies. 

The anxious need to keep everything okay. Hypervigilant towards everyone's needs and wants. Putting my own self by the way side so that everyone else will be okay. 

On the surface this might look 'nice' but actually there may be a different side to it. 

While I was completing my NLP practitioner course I came across this Rescuer - Victim - Persecutor model. And it opened my eyes to how in some relationships - friendships, romantic, business etc certain dynamics may look like they are good on the surface but may create unintentional negative cycles and patterns as a result. 

The idea of this triangle is the 'Rescuer' tries to help people, people pleasing, needing to be needed. Then if people don't respond to these actions then the rescuer may turn into 'The Victim' feeling like 'poor me' 'why aren't the people being grateful for my help' and in turn this may lead to them persecuting and judging the the very people they were 'helping' in the first place. 

"We must become more than we were programmed to be" 
The Wild Robot

Past experiences may have led to me creating programmes that led to this cycle at times and the more I have shared this with others they say they may have fallen into it too.  

As the leaves start to fall off the trees, I feel my own bare branches hanging out in the cold winter wind. 

This year has shown me some of the patterns and programming that served younger me may not be serving current me anymore. I want to let the leaves go but having to recondition myself, creating new more sustainable patterns moving forward can take time. 

So much of our conditioning is not intentional. People doing the best with what they have. 

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better'
Maya Angelou

I feel like a baby learning to walk for the first time. Sometimes I wish I could go back to sleep. Not see things through these new eyes. 

The world was simpler then. 

But I am learning to listen with a different part of myself. Learning to speak a new language. 

It may take time to learn but I know in the end it will mean I can create connections based in honesty not fear. 

Kindness is a super power if it comes from the right place. 

Helping others can have a positive impact if it is for the right reasons. 

This year knocked my confidence to the lowest it has even been. My self worth went out the window. 

The more I am rebuilding more solid foundations, the more I am noticing connections are being built from a more honest place, in turn creating more solid relationships. 

Picking up the pieces, putting the puzzle back together can be a bit of a process. 

But it is pretty cool when the light starts to shine on things that can be moved through. 

The whole human experience is a messy one. 

"We're a strange family, but I kind of like it that way."

The Wild Robot

Humans navigating life can be a funny old thing. I enjoyed my little trip to the cinema today, if nothing else the popcorn was great 💚

Let's see where the world takes us tomorrow 🌏