Picking up the Pieces - My Why

When you’re standing in the ashes of a life you thought you were going to live. The mirror really is held up. Standing naked to the reality of the path you have to walk. 

The choice to bury your head in the sand sounds oh so appealing. 

Wednesday 31st January 2024, my whole life went up in smoke. Instead of walking down the aisle for my wedding that was meant to happen at the end of this year. I have walked down countless aisles of aeroplanes in a bid to find out who the f I am in a world where every part of my life looks different. 

I am single for the first time since 2013 - the world has changed a lot since deciding who to give your Bebo hearts to 

I have moved back to Ireland after living away from home for the last 13years - watching Catchphrase with my parents is actually one of the highlights out of all this. 

I started my own business instead of getting a stable job - which has definitely left me thinking what the heck am I doing on more than one occasion. 

My friends are mostly living away from home or at different life stages - so hanging out with a friend mostly requires getting on a bus or plane while trying to make new friends aged 32…. 

At times, the loneliness has been deafening. 

I have beautiful people around me who have been there when I needed it, but to be honest, at the end of the day it is just me and my thoughts at 3am when the lights go out and the shadows come out to play. 

Realising the future path I was walking had disappeared right beneath my feet left me falling to my rock bottom. 

I faced darkness I didn’t know existed and what was there? Me. And my demons. All my lovely demons that had been hiding in the closet collecting dust while I refused to try them on. 

But just like in a Christmas Carol, this year, the ghosts of Past, Present and Future are asking to be seen. 

It’s made me realise that they have been knocking on the door for some time and I just didn’t know how to hear them, with a sprinkle of selective ignoring at times.  

This is where the idea of “Picking up the Pieces” came from. 

I think in this world with carefully curated lives that we share online and offline. The cracks might be beginning to show way before we want to take a look and before we know it we are holding the disconnected parts of our humanness in our hands. 

While on the Eat, Pray, Love part of my journey. I followed in the footsteps of Julia Roberts and took my wee broken hearted self to Bali and wow how that beautiful place helped me reframe my view of the darkness. 

I use to run away from my demons. Let them take over me and have the driving seat for my internal narrative. Running wild inside while putting on a mostly happy face to the world. 

Directly in charge of the story I was telling myself. 

But this year I’ve been forced to sit with it. 

Just sit. 

And sit.

Facing my demons with open arms. And do you know what ? 

After all the tears and pain in my heart that I didn’t even know was possible. 

I started to realise, I wasn't broken after all. 

I was just a human being having very real human experiences.  

Fear of starting all over again

✅ Normal to be apprehensive about talking to new people 

Sadness for a life that couldn't be anymore 

✅ Normal to want to hide under the duvets for days on end

Shame for past demons buried deep

✅ Normal to be afraid of things we might be distracting ourselves from

Worry for if the darkness was ever going to end

✅ Normal to be concerned if we are feeling out of sorts 

Seeing that the more I ran away from my demons the more control they had over me. 

At the start of this year there were times where I felt like I was going to give up treading water, the waves were just too big. 

But as I have navigated this emotional car crash. 

I started to think about myself and our collective humaness as a jigsaw puzzle waiting to be solved.

In our current society many people are treated as if they are broken when they are just going through or have gone through real challenging times.  

We don't see jigsaws as broken when they are laid out, all their parts mixed up. 

We see their pieces waiting to be connected, waiting to be put back together again. 

Actively working individually and with others at times, allowing our whole human picture to be restored. 

So originally my hope for this blog and podcast was a personal one as well as a collective one as follows: 

Our planet and our humanity is, in places, somewhat fragmented. 

Our internal and external systems, in places, somewhat fractured. 

I don’t believe it has to be this way. I just think somewhere along the line we got a bit lost, off track. 

‘Picking up the Pieces’ aims to look at our fractured systems and rather than trying to cover up evidence of the cracks we can take back our power by recognising and understanding them. 

However, I think before I move onto bigger fish to fry i.e. systematic educational transformation. I think I am still navigating my own little self first. 

This year poetry and writing have been my crutch. Which showed me the power of creativity when navigating the darkness. 

So for the next wee while I plan to share my poems and writing from this year as well as reflecting on some noticings along the way. 

The pathway to this point has been and still is a messy one. 

This year has shown me how fragile and how strong the mind can truly be. 

Within this element of the The Whole Human Hub, I plan to explore the human mind, mental health and wellbeing through the lens of creativity and if by the end of it I have something that is worth contributing to the wider human journey. Amazing. 

If all I have is a record of the journey my little self has gone on this year. Then well on a personal level. That is pretty amazing too. 

Let's see where the world takes us tomorrow 🌏